So, Thursday I sent in my last grad school application. The final list includes:
1.) University of Minnesota
2.) Ohio State University
3.) Washington University in St. Louis
4.) University of Kansas
5.) University of Michigan
6.) Indiana University
7.) Iowa State University
8.) Purdue University
Last year, when I applied, I deliberately didn't talk about it very often for fear that I would jinx myself. This year, I'm not exactly trying the opposite, I've just decided to be less superstitious. And there's also this nagging knowing that if I don't get in this year I probably won't apply again. Not that I see these rejections as a reflection on me or my writing. It's just that I feel if it doesn't work this year that I won't really want it any more. This year, I decided not to apply for the Fulbright and not because I was sick of applying (I was), but because I realized that if I got it I would probably decline.
It's strange to realize the things I wanted so badly only a year or two ago mean so little to me now.
I suddenly have this void to fill. I really should read and write more, but I think I'm going to buy a PS3 instead. Actually, I promised myself last year that this is what I would do - get an apartment to share with A, fill that apartment with books, get a car, get a PS3, and be unproductive when I can. I've spent most of the past several years applying for things, peeling back my skin and throwing the best of me down before other people. I'm very tired of it. I think I'm going to stop for a little while.